Take to the Skies!

For many a year, yours truly has made numerous attempts at conquering that unconquerable confounded conundrum of callousness: Human Flight!


Naturally, I have studied the scientifical endeavors of those amicable aviators who have laid the groundwork for my efforts. The annals of history showcase man's reach for the skies all the way back to Mr. Da Vinci's Ornithopter. More recently, many attempts have been attempted. Of course, every good follower of all events current has heard of Monsieurs Felix and Louis du Temple de la Croix's Temple Steam Powered Monoplane (prototype) and Monsieur Alphonse Pénaud's Planaphore. Of course, attempts at flight are not limited to just a bunch of French snail lickers. Many a man of Anglo-Saxon progeny has lifted forth to the skies: Mr. John Joseph Montgomery met his demise on All Hallows Eve in the year of 1911 attempting flight in his glider: the Mighty Evergreen. And who could forget Mr. William Samuel Henson's reach for the clouds on the upward lift of his muttonchops alone!




But this is not some history lesson. If you want one of those, then pick up a book, Bookington! No, I am here to tell you of my own particular endeavors to summit the peaks of invisible mountains of imagination. After several efforts including a glider made from ancient Egyption papyrus (too light), a heli-copter constructed from riveted iron plating (too heavy), wings made of quality Vermont maple syrup (too sticky), and a tailcoat woven with an abundance of live dragonflies (too mate-y), I have come up with the perfect flying contraption: Professor Cornelius Von Fudgington's Uncanny Aero-Gyro-Spyro Skycarriage™ !!!


Alas, dear readers, my plans for the mass production of the Uncanny Aero-Gyro-Spyro Skycarriage™, which would put an Uncanny Aero-Gyro-Spyro Skycarriage™ in the home hanger of every house in the Americas have hit a brick wall. You see, the Uncanny Aero-Gyro-Spyro Skycarriage™ is fueled by a simple mixture of German Dopplebock lager and Weißwurst and a certain someone has a stranglehold on the world's supply of this excellent source of flying energy. That certain someone is none other than current German President Paul Ludwig Hans Anton von Beneckendorff und von Hindenburg:

Now, listen here, Flat Top Tony. I need my flying fuel and I need it now! Your reign of terror over Bavarian brews and brats is about to come to an end. So, all you Fudgington loyalists, put that poison pen to paper and ship some correspondence to President Hindenburg post-haste. Demand that he allow the world to reach for the upper stratospheres in a patented Fudgington Skycarriage™!

Send a handwritten envelope to:

Schloß Bellevue

Attn: President Paul Ludwig Hans Anton von Beneckendorff und von Hindenburg

Spreeweg 1

10557 Berlin

GERMANY