Well, let us begin at the beginning, my Fudgey Friends! Here starts the story of my storied hunt for that anomalous anomaly of the North: The Norwegian Man-Beast. After tracking down Canada's Sasquatch and Nepal's Yeti, I am off to the chilly Arctic Circle to bag the last creature and complete the trifecta of missing-link mythological beings. To aid me in my quest, I have collected and enlisted a diverse group of top-rate roustabouts:
Contessa Bianca Belladonna: This aviatress hales from Palermo, Italy and is a direct descendant of Christopher Columbus himself. As far as exploration goes, her lineage is top notch. She will serve as the eye in the sky on our hunt. Also, she's a crack-shot with a broomhandle Mauser!
Commander Montgomery "Scooter" Steele: Top man in the Secret Service of the Mid-Atlantic States. Sexually and morally ambiguous. Always can be found with a smile on his face and shot of Gordon's in his belly. Was a key player in the discovery of elastic, virtually eliminating my need for sock garters!
Seamus McBootstraps: The World's Longest Longshoreman. After circumventing the globe forty-six times while in the Merchant Marines, Seamus developed a liking for a diet rich in iron. Now he is one of the highest rate strongmen in International Waters, but he must consume three dozen portions of liver'n'onions a day. I once saw him best "Ol' Ironhooks" O'Houlihan in a boxing match utilizing the Queensberry Rules!
Ernest Hemingway: I met this young newspaperman while imbibing deviled corn dogs in New York's Times Square. This kid wants to be a writer of the novel fictions someday. I've invited him along to give him an injection of that old adage: "Fact is stranger than fiction!"
Marv L. (the Mechanical Man): Even though my friend Marv L. has a heart of rusty bolts, he has the soul of a parade of saints. I found this kindhearted wonder of industry on my second journey to the Earth's core. Since our meeting, I've kept him under a dusty sheet in my horseless carriage stables until his services are needed. They are needed now!
Jinlakti Atatukti Mukulukaraukijjambo & Tonyk-Shalamitikiho Alongtoto Mukulukaraukijjambo: I met these two Sherpa brothers on my adventure to find the Yeti in Nepal, but their main claim to fame is their unsuccessful attempt to eat the the thirteenth Dalai Lama. I can't pronounce their names, so I just call them: Gin & Tonic!
Sir P.J.Q. Poppycock: This pint-sized prodigy is the very definition of boy genius. He is currently the dean of Cambridge University, where he also teaches literature and ancient mythology and coaches the rugby squad. Sir Poppycock is the world's foremost expert on Norse legend and he can recite the Kalevala from memory. He's also a first rate percussionist!
Mr. Gherkins: Our mascot!
After a filling meal at the New York Explorer's Club, we are off aboard the RMS Lusitania and bound for the North Atlantic and the fjords of Norway!
This adventure of Professor Cornelius Von Fudgingtion is brought to you by Otard Dupuy & Company. Otard Dupuy & Co. Cognac: The cognac of choice for all manner of deep sea divers. When you've got the bends, reach for an Otard Dupuy & Co. Cognac. The Best in the World.
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