Huff!
Puff!
Huff'n'puff!
Gulp!
Long time no see Fudgington-ites! Sad news from the search for the Norwegian Man-Beast. As you may have noticed, my prolific posting of regular intervals ceased communique some months ago, and for this, I have good reason.
You see, in my attempts to capture the elusive Norwegian Man-Beast, I constructed a trap of ingenious design (see post below). Unfortunately, said trap hinged upon the knowledge theat the elusive Norwegian Man-Beast's favorite savory snack was one wheel of the cheese varietel known as "Jarlsberg". Unbeknownst to yours truly, this same cheesey treat is the favorite savory snack of one Jesper the Gentleman Pirate (who's moniker turned out to be quite the misnomer).
Upon setting the bait, Jesper the Not-so-gentle-man Pirate absconded with said Jarlsberg, pausing only to give the boot to poor Marv L. (the Mechanical Man)'s derrier. Naturally, this set the trap in motion and upon our pursuit of the dastardly villain, we found ourselves caught in the trappings of the trap: a mechanized miracle of unescapable encumbrance.
I must say that we survived many a chilly night caught in our cage, surviving on fjord-flies and Norwegian schnitzel beetles for sustenance. But, finally, after many months, a plan was arrived at:
Firstly: Ernest Hemingway and "Scooter" Steele unscrewed Marv L. (the Mechanical Man)'s mechanical handlebar mustache.
Secondly: With Gin & Tonic siting atop either end of the aforementioned mustache, Seamus McBootstraps began a series of one and two handed exercises with the mustache as a dumbbell.
Thirdly: As the normal rhythms of Seamus' body commenced, his glands began to secrete all manner of personal biological lubricants. Although this is by no means something to shy away from as it is only a matter of human science, I would recommend any of the faint of heart to skip ahead because,
Fourthly: The Contessa and I collected all of Seamus' leaving and used them to lubricate Sir P.J.Q. Poppycock.
Fifthly: Newly slipperified, Sir Poppycock was able to easily pass in between the bars of our cage and, riding upon Mr. Gherkins, was able to escape to safety and afford us rescue!
This adventure of Professor Cornelius Von Fudgington is brought to you by Porker's. Porker's brand Self Butchering Pigs: the Self Butchering Pigs of choice for all manner of selective gourmets. When you want a square meal of pork chops, bacon, pork belly, ham, sausage and other pork by-products, but don't want to deal with some meddling meat monger, reach for a Porker's brand Self Butchering Pig. They cut out themselves so that you can cut out the middleman!
1 comment:
Well said.
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